"Hello, and welcome to the Mental Institute Hotline. Please listen carefully to the menu selections, because they change every hour. If you are Obsessive Compulsive, press 1 - - - repeatedly. If you are Codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are Delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the Mothership. If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are Manic-depressive, it doesn't matter what number you press - - - no-one will answer. If you are Dyslexic, press 969696969696. If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the Asterisk Key until a representative comes on the line. If you have Amnesia, press 8 and then state your Name, Address, Phone Number, Date of Birth, Social Security Number and your Mother's & Grandmother's maiden names. If you have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, slowly and very carefully press 000. If you have Bipolar Disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep, Please wait for the beep. If you have Short-term Memory Loss, please try to call again, later. If you have Low Self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are far too busy to talk to you If none of the above apply, you have the wrong number. Thank you. Have a good day."