"Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline"
"Hello, and welcome to the Mental Institute Hotline.

Please listen carefully to the menu selections, because they change every hour.

If you are Obsessive Compulsive, press 1 - - - repeatedly.

If you are Codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are Delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the Mothership.

If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are Manic-depressive, it doesn't matter what number you press - - - no-one will answer.

If you are Dyslexic,  press 969696969696.

If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the Asterisk Key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have Amnesia, press 8 and then state your Name, Address, Phone Number, Date of Birth, Social Security
Number and your Mother's & Grandmother's maiden names.

If you have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, slowly and very carefully  press 000.

If you have Bipolar Disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep, Please wait
for the beep.

If you have Short-term Memory Loss, please try to call again, later.

If you have Low Self-esteem, please hang up.  Our operators are far too busy to talk to you

If none of the above apply, you have the wrong number.

Thank you.  Have a good day."

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