Actual Label Instructions on Consumer Goods:
(With consumer reaction)

On a Sears hair dryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(But that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
 
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)
 
On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be .. how??)
 
On some Swanson frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's *just* a suggestion!)
 
On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.
(!!!)
 
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:
(printed on the bottom of the box)--Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! You lose!)
 
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure??? Let's experiment.)
 
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time???)
(Whose body??)
 
On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of
construction accidents if we just kept
those 5 year olds off those fork lifts!)
 
On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)
 
On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(Or pets! What's for dinner?)
 
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to outer space or underground)
 
On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Hmmmm, now I'm curious)
 
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(no comment)
 
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(what is going on here?)
 
On a child's superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Way to destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

--courtesy of Gloria Millich