The jewels found below are said to be written by actual students and are genuine, authentic, and unretouched. They appeared in the 12/31/95 issue of National Review.

"In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off."

"Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree."

"Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark which the animals came on to in pears."

"Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, and a ball of fire by night."

"The Hebrews were proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

"Samson slayed the Philistines with the ax of the Apostles." "Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients."

"The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments."

"The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The fifth commandment is to humor thy father and mother. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery."

"Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol."

"The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him."

"David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar."

"Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines."

"It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance."

"The epistles were the wives of the apostles."

"A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.

courtesy of Todd Booth