UPDATED January 1, 1998

57 Actual Newspaper Headlines (collected by journalists)

  1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
  2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
  3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
  4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
  5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
  6. Farmer Bill Dies in House
  7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
  8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
  9. Stud Tires Out
  10. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
  11. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
  12. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
  13. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
  14. Eye Drops off Shelf
  15. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
  16. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
  17. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
  18. Shot Off Woman s Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
  19. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
  20. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
  21. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
  22. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
  23. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
  24. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
  25. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
  26. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
  27. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
  28. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in 84
  29. War Dims Hope for Peace
  30. If Strike isn t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
  31. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
  32. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
  33. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
  34. Deer Kill 17,000
  35. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
  36. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
  37. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
  38. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
  39. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
  40. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
  41. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
  42. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
  43. Ban on Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
  44. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
  45. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
  46. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
  47. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
  48. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
  49. Air Head Fired
  50. Steals Clock, Faces Time
  51. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
  52. Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
  53. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
  54. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
  55. Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
  56. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
  57. Include your Children When Baking Cookies


HEADLINES

SOME OF THESE HAVE TO BE READ OUT LOUD TO BE FUNNY...
  1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
  2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
  3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
  4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
  5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
  6. Farmer Bill Dies in House
  7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
  8. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
  9. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
  10. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
  11. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
  12. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
  13. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
  14. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
  15. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
  16. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
  17. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
  18. Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
  19. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000
  20. '84 War Dims Hope for Peace
  21. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
  22. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
  23. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
  24. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
  25. Deer Kill 17,000
  26. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
  27. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
  28. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
  29. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
  30. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
  31. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
  32. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
  33. Ban on Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
  34. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
  35. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
  36. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
  37. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
  38. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
  39. Air Head Fired
  40. Steals Clock; Faces Time
  41. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
  42. Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
  43. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
  44. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
  45. Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
  46. Sex Education Delayed; Teachers Request Training
  47. Include Your Children when Baking Cookies